


Relative Measures

by Higuchimon



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Diversity Writing Challenge, During Canon, GX Month 2020, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:47:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26631613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higuchimon/pseuds/Higuchimon
Summary: Kenzan’s Darkness began with having eaten his fellow dinosaurs.  But that was just the beginning – and is it really that bad?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 3





	Relative Measures

**Title:** Relative Measures  
 **Characters:** Kenzan   
**Word Count:** 3,000  
 **Genre:** General|| **Rated:** G  
 **Challenges:** Diversity Writing, YGO GX, D11, use the epiphany device; GX Month day 20, Prehistoric Predators  
 **Notes:** This takes place pretty much during the time when everyone but Juudai was in Darkness’s realm.  
 **Summary:** Kenzan’s Darkness began with having eaten his fellow dinosaurs. But that was just the beginning – and is it really that bad?

* * *

Like any dinosaur – and Kenzan knew that was what he was, regardless of his outer form – he knew the endless darkness. Or he knew the darkness that should have been. It wouldn’t have bothered him if this were the true darkness before the dawn. That was natural. It was what was meant to be. 

But the darkness that enfolded him now wasn’t that darkness at all. There was an emptiness to it that stretched out forever, that had no boundaries and no end to it. If he could have walked through it, he could have done so forever and not reached the other side – if there even was one. Kenzan wasn’t sure of that. 

He wasn’t sure about anything anymore. He didn’t even want to be. Being sure, _existing_ at all, brought up the fact that existing hurt. That life hurt. Being a dinosaur meant that he had eaten other dinosaurs and he couldn’t bear that. 

Underneath that was another trail of thought, a current that ran deep and hidden, but he didn’t look at it. If he looked too close, he would have to _exist_ and truth to tell, he was getting very used to not existing. 

It wasn’t unpleasant. He wouldn’t have gone so far as to call it pleasant, because it really wasn’t. Over and over he could feel his teeth tearing into meat that still quivered and made pained noises, and he could not forget for a moment how delicious the meat tasted. 

If he turned his attention away from it, the sensation faded. It never went away entirely but it did fade enough so that he could ignore it. It always remained just out of sight. That was good enough. If he kept his attention turned away, the taste of blood and meat lessened to the point he could ignore it. 

His options were that taste and nothingness. Kenzan chose nothingness – it didn’t twist at his heart and make him want to roar in rage. 

It hadn’t always been like that. He didn’t want to remember what it had been like before. Always in the back of his thoughts there whispered that painful knowledge – that he wasn’t anything at all, that he wasn’t powerful or strong or useful in any way. That he was little more than a nuisance and at best someone who could – barely – accomplish small tasks so the more important people could not be bothered by those. 

Even if he could be said to be strong, that would be the best that could be said for him. Useful to move obstacles out of the way – to tear up something. Not useful or cared for because of what he was. Only for what he could do for others, and only menial tasks at that. 

But his aniki hadn’t wanted him to come and help, had he? He never had. Juudai always went off on his own and other people helped, people far better suited to the task. Sometimes he favored Kenzan with a word or a nod and that would make Kenzan’s day for some time. But he always turned away again. 

To Shou. To Edo. To Asuka. To Johan. To Yubel. To people who weren’t _him_ , over and over. 

**You don’t need him.** The dark shadows murmured, tiny tendrils wrapping around him. **You’ve never needed him.**

Kenzan wanted to think that wasn’t true. He wanted to think that he did need Juudai. Hadn’t he failed repeatedly on his own? 

But that was only natural, wasn’t it? To fail on his own and then to find the wrong person to pin his hopes on. He hadn’t really grown. He’d only told himself that he had and let his friendships – which so easily faded away when someone stronger, better came along – blind him to the truth. 

It would always be better to just relax and let the nothingness take him away. 

Other memories flickered in. Kenzan wished they wouldn’t – he wanted to be alone in the endless expanse of nothing – but memories didn’t come and go at a whim. Not here. If he thought of nothing, then they floated in, teased up from the depths of unconsciousness. If he thought of something, then it inevitably turned to the sensation of tearing apart another dinosaur. Those were his options, such as they were. 

He remembered. Such memories were nothing more than a haphazard collection of images, of all the moments in his life that he would prefer to forget. 

He remembered being at the dig. His happiness without measure, until the rock crumbled and fell on him. He’d not known what to think as the darkness enfolded him then. He wasn’t even sure now if he had thought. He’d faded in and out of reality for what seemed forever, learning afterwards that it had been weeks. His leg shattered in the accident, and the doctors had done a wondrous thing – they repaired it with pieces of dinosaur bone. How they had done that when it should have been a fossil and thus stone, Kenzan had never understood. 

**Do you really think they did?** A taunting, very amused tone. **You know it’s impossible. Humans can’t have stone inside of them. They told you that to make you feel better.**

Kenzan definitely didn’t want to think that. He was Tyranno Kenzan! He could feel the power of the dinosaurs inside of his heart! It had protected him when Saiou tried to brainwash him! 

**Did it? Or was it because the Light truly didn’t want you? What could you have done for it? It took those who were useful. That’s what it does.**

Oh, those words, pricking right inside the most vulnerable parts of his heart. He wanted to believe in being himself, in being Tyranno Kenzan, and yet – yet there was always that little thought of _what if_. What if it were all a lie? 

**It was. A pleasant fiction to soothe a hurt child’s feeling.** Again that intruding voice that promised the endless peace of the darkness, calling him deeper and deeper. **It’s better if you forget about it altogether, isn’t it? What good would it do to remember? None at all.**

Yes. Kenzan let himself slide deeper and the sensation of meat and blood in his mouth faded away even more. Still not entirely gone but much less there than before. 

Other thoughts. Other memories. His arrival in the Red dorm. The way so few people accepted him. There was Juudai, of course, but Juudai accepted everyone. He didn’t care. That was what he was like. The other Red students stared at him, whispered about him, ignored him. He wasn’t one of them. Just the fact he hung out with Juudai didn’t make him one of them. 

The Yellow students weren’t much better. Those who’d been part of his Tyranno Gang drifted away, finding other people to look up to, and so many of them whispered that he wasn’t that impressive, that he’d lost what little he had by following Juudai. Always Kenzan did his best to ignore them. 

Those from Obelisk were even worse. They barely even glanced at him. The only one who gave him anything like the time of day was Tenjoin Asuka – and only because she was also one of Juudai’s friends. On his own, the only friend he’d ever made had been Sorano. He wasn’t even sure if he could count him now – not when Sorano had barely talked to him in ages. 

Sorano had been there in the Sand World. He’d even been a duel zombie for a while. Kenzan could not forget staring into those empty eyes or seeing those grasping hands, let alone hearing that raspy voice. 

“Duel. Duel. Duel me, Kenzan.” Sorano stared at him before shuffling forward and Kenzan could do _nothing_ to help him. Dueling him would only have created yet another duel zombie. 

That hadn’t been something that his “dino DNA” would protect him from. It wasn’t something try to take his mind. Only take his energy and leave an empty shell behind. 

So he’d fled and hid with everyone else and once again it had been Juudai who saved everything and everyone. All he’d been able to do was keep the zombies away and he hadn’t been nearly as good at that as he’d wanted. Hadn’t he lost Marufuji-sempai to them? He’d never thought that he would regret seeing the little guy like that, but he had, and hadn’t it been his fault? He’d promised Juudai that he would look out for them all and he’d failed there. 

He couldn’t think of any time when he’d done something right, not right down to the core. The closest he’d ever come was to _not_ be brainwashed, to not be another member of the Society or a duel zombie. That really wasn’t so impressive of a feat, when the Society hadn’t wanted him and he avoided being a zombie because he ran away. 

**You haven’t. But there’s nothing to worry about anymore. That’s all over.** More and more tendrils slid their way over him, tightening, keeping him neatly wrapped up. He relaxed into their embrace. He couldn’t really feel it – but that was all right. He didn’t want to feel anything at all. 

He would stay like this forever. He needed nothing else. Just to relax in the endless void and not worry about life, because life meant pain and loss and an eventual end. Why not just let it go now? 

Yes. That was it. Eternal rest. Eternal non-existence. Never having to worry about letting anyone else down ever again. Never having to worry about _being_ let down. Not having to fret about whether he’d been told a lie or not. 

From the deepest part of his heart, from the leg that had once been broken, there came the faintest of tingles. He might have ignored it altogether, if it hadn’t been a sensation he felt in a time when he wanted to feel nothing at all. The tingle grew into a pulse and the pulse was _warm_ , filling him from the inside out. 

**_Little cousin._**

A voice that he didn’t know. At least he didn’t know the name, but he knew it, that same warm pulse in his heart. He’d known it since the first time he’d seen the card, since he’d first begun to learn about dinosaurs. How could he not know? 

Super Conductor Tyranno. He hadn’t really thought of any one monster as the ace of his deck, but this one came closest of them all. 

He couldn’t see the dinosaur but he could feel that warm presence staring down at him. 

Was he going to be eaten now? Had it come to that? That was what life was, wasn’t it? Being eaten and eating. Over and over, forever. 

**_Little cousin, what are you doing?_** Such a gentle tone, curious, and with a touch of prodding. **_Is this what you want?_**

If it had been possible, Kenzan would have blinked. His confusion conveyed the same thing, though. 

“I don’t ” Until there had been another person, another entity there, Kenzan hadn’t even thought about what he wanted or didn’t want. So much better not to want anything. 

**_You are of our kind._** Not a single bit of hesitation there. **_You always have been._**

Kenzan couldn’t believe that. “The bone…” He’d only had a chance to become a dinosaur because of the bone and because of spending time with his aniki. It wasn’t anything to do with _him_. 

Super Conductor Tyrrano made a noise deep in his throat. After a second, Kenzan realized it was laughter. 

**_No. Perhaps the Gentle Darkness stirred it into life, but you would never have been able to survive having a piece of us inside you in the first place if you weren’t one of us to begin with. Your soul is one of ours. It always has been._**

Kenzan wasn’t even close to knowing what to say or think because of that. Even if he’d wanted to, he couldn’t have denied the great dinosaur’s words. They struck deep into his heart, darts that sank deeper and truer than anything else he’d ever heard. 

**_You fret about having eaten us before, when your outward form was the same as your soul. Do not._**

“I-I didn’t do it?” Kenzan hoped that was what he’d hear. But Super Conductor Tyranno had another answer for him. 

**_You did. As would I. As would so many others. But it is not wrong. Eating and being eaten is what life is. It makes you more like us, not less. That is what gives you your strength – knowing what you were and what you are._**

Kenzan’s mouth worked. He wasn’t sure when he’d suddenly had a mouth again but there it was, coupled with the knowledge that what Super Conductor said was absolute truth. This was the undercurrent that he’d glimpsed and ignored before had been – that being a part of the cycle of life _wasn’t wrong_. It was what it was and he had no need to regret it. 

**_The Gentle Darkness calls to you. Go to him. Find your path – for it will always lead back to us._**

A large head nuzzled against Kenzan’s side and he raised a hand to touch it. “It will?” 

**_Did you ever think that it wouldn’t? You have a long way to go and many people to walk the path with you. We will see you again – when you duel and when you finally come home._** Then a soft chuckle. **_And perhaps the Gentle Darkness will bring you to visit._**

Kenzan blinked, raising one hand – the darkness bonds had faded away, he’d scarcely even noticed – and rubbing at his forehead, his thoughts slowly clearing. “The – Gentle Darkness?” That did seem familiar but he couldn’t place it right now. 

**_I believe that you call him – aniki._** Super Conductor Tyranno rose up, a might river of power and metal and strength. Kenzan admired the beauty of the creature, who had called him cousin. 

Aniki – his dear aniki. He wasn’t sure exactly what the dinosaur meant but he did know there was something special about Juudai. He’d not understood what Juudai meant when the other tried to explain and he’d mostly ignored it, accepting that Juudai was just special. He’d always known that anyway. To learn that Juudai was something special to the point that the greatest dinosaurs revered him… well, why shouldn’t they? 

“Where’s aniki?” Kenzan wondered, finding himself on his feet and looking around. There were other people that he could see now. He wasn’t alone – he’d never been alone. All of them – Shou and Asuka, Johan and Fubuki, Sorano and Manjoume – all of them waking up just as he had. Had they seen something like that? What started it all? 

**_There. Stand beside him, as you always do._** Super Conductor Tyranno nuzzled against him. **_Farewell, little cousin. We shall meet again._**

And then he was gone. Kenzan would have regretted it more if he couldn’t feel the dinosaur’s presence in his heart. He wanted to hug it, but hugging a card wouldn’t be the same thing. 

Anyway, there were other things to do now. He could see Juudai there, dueling against some kind of _thing_ \- was it a goat? It looked like a really big humanoid goat, and Kenzan wanted nothing to do with it. When it spoke, Kenzan recognized the voice, the one that had spoken to him when he was in the deepest depths. 

So that’s what it had been – the Darkness itself, not the Gentle Darkness that Super Conductor Tyranno spoke of, the Darkness that was Juudai. But a different kind altogether. 

Kenzan rejected that Darkness. Whatever it wanted, he would have nothing to do with it. He’d barely started his life and he had no idea of how long that life would be or what he could do with it. He _had_ helped in many small ways that contributed to a larger whole. That was good. That was fine. What other people might think of what he’d done didn’t matter. What mattered was what he believed and what he knew. 

He watched as Juudai dealt the final blow to the creature, defeating it once and for all. He knew his aniki was right – if this beast of despair ever tried to take them again, then they would all be there to stop it. He would stand by the side of his aniki and his friends, no matter what happened. The future hadn’t happened yet – there was no need to worry about it when hope still remained. 

There would be sadness, of course – next year he wouldn’t have his aniki there, or Marufuji-sempai or Tenjoin-sempai or any of his older friends. Sorano would be there, though, and so would Rei, and Edo might pop up now and then, though one could never be sure with him. Perhaps he’d see others now and then. There would always be reunions and he could e-mail them to keep in touch. Their graduation wasn’t the end of his world. 

He wanted to see what his friends would do with their lives. He wanted to cheer Manjoume and Edo on – would they duel each other again? He wanted to see if if they did. He wanted to see how the Marufujis’ new Pro League would work out too. 

Add in that one never knew where one might find new friends and Kenzan knew that he’d never lose his hope again. Darkness tried getting to him through his love of dinosaurs – well, that was wrong. He would eat and perhaps he’d been eaten but he’d come back and so would they, in one form or another. 

Life was life. It had lasted from the beginning up until now and he’d been there to see it – sort of – back then. Perhaps he’d be there to see it end – somehow. Regardless, he’d enjoy the time that he had now, with the people that he cared about the most. 

* * *

**The End**

**Notes:** I always found it a bit sad that only Manjoume, Asuka, and Shou got scenes for what Darkness showed them.


End file.
